Something that bothered me about my relationship with Rebecca was the way I wasn't able to get close to her. I know I'm capable of it. I have been close to people before. Unfortunately, one bad experience has got me paranoid around women even to this day. I had a girl that I was almost ready to ask out. I stress this point because I only admit to ever having gone out with one person and that is Rebecca. The first one I explained earlier as to why I don't admit to her, and as for this girl I'm talking about now. We never actually went out. In fact she was technically going out with another guy and was cheating on him with me. I didn't know that at first but later I did find out. We met a few times before we started to get involved. We had gotten introduced through friends of ours. But it was her that finally made the first move. It was one day while I was washing dishes at her friends house. While I worked she came up and kept leaning against me and touching me, trying to get a response. My extreme concentration was too strong though. Finally when I turned around she laid one on me. It was the first time I'd ever kissed a girl. I had been kissed before, but never returned it. Minor technical point I know but still it's important to me. This first kiss was a no-holds-barred, tounge-down- your-troath, suck-your-eyes-out kiss. Not bad for a first time if I do say so myself (although I have heard that she said the same herself). From then on it was one of those summer fling type deals. I used to spend almost all of my free time with her. She was the first girl I had ever kissed and that's what our relationship was built on. Purely lust. To greet each other and even to say good-bye, took at least five minutes and all of it was spent kissing. We spent that summer, or rather that month, in blind passion. She had come over to spend a day in our pool, and of course, this event entailed a large amount of time lip-locked. The day ended with a bit of nudity around the house, all on her part, because again I'm too shy for that. She went into my bathroom to change and change she did. From a wet bathing suit into a towel and nothing else. I guess that made it easier for her to flash me. I point I think I should put in here because of this behavior and some that will follow, we never had sex. We may have come close but never that close. We were, however, comfortable with each other, and indeed a bit horny. That why our time together ended the way it did. I wonder now if sex was all she really wanted. At the time it was almost all I wanted. I was getting desperate. I was 18 and up to that point I had never even seen a fully nude female in person. This strong wanting for sex brought us to our last night of really being together. Our last night together was spent at a local park. This park is one which me and my friends claimed as our own personal hang-out. We still go there together when we can. It seemed only normal to take her there as well. As the night went on we wound up without our shirts on, laying on a park bench. Again kissing. The only thing I think that stopped us from having sex right there, was my shyness, and a bit of bad timing with biology. We wound up walking around the park for a while trying to cool off and get ourselves under control. That was the last time I ever talked to her. She quit calling and wouldn't even talk to me. I saw her the day after that and she wouldn't kiss me or even talk to me directly. I later found out through a friend that the guy she was really going out with was being nice to her again so she decided not to dump him for me. She thought that if she was mean to me I wouldn't like her and that she'd be able to pursue this other man. I guess it was important for her to have me be the one that broke it off, even if she did push me to it. Because we were never really going out in any technical sense, nobody had to say anything. I still can't figure out what I did wrong. I wondered if I was moving to fast for the situation. Or too slow. I don't know, but it lead to my new found inability to get close to women. It also lead to fear that when a girl suddenly quits talking to me, she doesn't like me anymore. I try to tell myself sometimes that it might be because of other circumstances but it's hard. I always wonder what if I wind up in the same position with a woman, and then it turns the say way. Will she quit talking to me, or will she like me more if we wind up in bed together. It's hard to say. I figure all women will turn out like her. So in my case with Rebecca I have purposely avoided it because I don't want to end up on that bench again and have that be the end of it all, I like her too much for that.

A new idea hit me the other day, and in the tradition of continuing to add to my story, I've decided to put it in. My sister and I were talking about this and that the other day. My sister told me that it really was too bad that me and Rebecca broke-up. She felt we made a cute pair because I continuously made fun of her and she seemed to take it. I had never really thought about it. I make fun of everybody. All in good sport of course. Most people realize I'm just joking around. A few don't. However, my sisters comments got me thinking. What did I make fun of Rebecca for? I guess it came from the dumb things she's done. I don't really remember the order she did them in, but these are the few things she bothered to tell me about.

Once I went in to Hy-Vee with my mother to do some shopping. Like normal we went through Rebecca's line because she was working. As we waited for her to write something down she mumbled something about bringing a pen to work but now she wasn't able to use it. Then I noticed it. She had a pen stuck in her hair. It was just hanging their like some new ornamental fashion statement. I couldn't help but laugh. Through the laughter I tried to find out how she managed to get it stuck. Apparently she was playing with the pen and managed to get it stuck. It really was quite a sight to see. I later learned that she did manage to free the pen without a great fuss. But her acts of humor don't stop there. In another incident she made a comment to me that was a bit like an underdeveloped deep thought. She couldn't remember what how exactly she had worded it earlier when she tried to recount it to me. She said that's what happens when one falls out of a chair. Again I had to ask. Had she really fallen out of a chair? Indeed she said she had in fact fallen out of a chair while typing. It was actually sum weeks before I found out how she managed this incident. Rebecca came to my house because we were going to go out and do something that day. We wound up going to a friends house and of course he brought up the chair incident. She told us that she had been sitting cross-legged in a chair with no arms. As she typed she continued to lean to the side. Further and further until she finally just fell over. She fell out of a chair. But again it doesn't stop there. Once she confessed to me that while laying on the floor one day she managed to spill a bag of m&m on her face. I have yet to figure that one out. There have also been a number of things she has said and done that would only be funny if I could find an accurate way of explaining them, or remember exactly how she said them. Unfortunately I can't so I'm not even going to try and wind up wrecking them. So the question now is why did I add this? I think it's mostly it is to show that she is human too. My story leads to the impression that she is this perfect angle-like being. She isn't. However, it is the little imperfections that make her who she is.

Notes: 2/20/00
That's basically my story. For now at least. I keep working on this trying to figure out new information about myself. Sometimes it's hard to figure out how much of what I figure out has any true meaning or if it's all just a bunch of hog-wash. Basically everything I've talked about so far is true and accurate. I have purposely left out certain names and details. Names were omitted because I don't think that they are important. I left out some details because I don't remember exactly how they worked out in real life. For example the Birthday party for Rebecca. I left out much of the conversations because I can't recall exactly what was said and I don't want to make any of this story fall into the fiction class. Other things were left out because I don't think they have any real bearing on subject of this paper.

However I am still revising and working on this. I started out with four pages that I wrote one night in about 2 hours. The rest has come about as I lie in bed thinking and then it hits me so I add it the next day. I don't know where this story will go and if it even has and end. Maybe someday I'll let someone read it, but until then this is just for me.

Notes: I let her read this the other day. Damn am I stupid. In a few days I'm going to say our ICQ message logs to a file. The exact words can be found there. I still can't believe I let her read it. I'm a moron. It may have went well, but I don't think so. I'm also too critical of myself, so It's hard to tell if I'm right or not. I think she's finally managed to get it through my head that it's over. I still don't plan on changing the ending of my story. I guess somewhere deep down I'm still holding on to some hope that she'll take me back. I always figured this summer would be great. I won't have school, nor will she, but I don't know. I guess I still want to be back in the same situation I was with Tanya. Although Tanya and I were just in it for the moment, It really felt good. I keep hoping that me and Rebecca could spend a summer like that. Just in love and enjoying the moment. Even if it had to come to an end when school started and we became busy again. I just guess I want something to show for it all. I wasted three months of her life, and neither of us gained anything. We may even have lost. I'm not sure how great of friends we are anymore. Because we broke-up due to the time factor, It also means we don't get to hang out (even as friends) because of the same reason. It really kills me. I just want to bring back the summer with Tanya only with Rebecca instead. This way it will be with someone I actually like for something other than looks. But still I get the distinct impression that it will never happen. At least not the way I want it to. It kills me, every day I want to just call her and ask her when she has free time, that way I can take her to the parks and just talk with her for hours like we did before all this took place. But I can't. I never mentioned it before but I have a problem calling, or going to peoples houses with out being invited first. So because she has never asked me to call. I can't do it. But still I just wish I could go back and take it all back. Normally I wouldn't say that because I know it's the things we do that make us who we are. But this is one thing I would take back. I remember when we used to spend three hours standing in a parking lot just talking. I loved that so much. Now I can't even talk to her but once every couple of weeks. I knew deep inside that if I asked her out and we broke-up things would be different. Perhaps she would never want to talk to me again. Perhaps she would. I didn't know for sure, but I knew it would never be the same as it was before this all happened. I didn't want it to go this way. I know I've said it before but I just want to go back to the day when we sat and talked for hours on end about nothing in particular and at the end I'd go home and say "Damn she's beautiful". In every way too. I just want those days back, mixed with a little summer fun. But it will probably never happen. And that sucks major fuckin' ass.

I also added a section about the various stupid things that Rebecca has done. Those little things that made her who she is. And in a way made me like her even more, no matter how much I made fun of her.

I didn't add this last time, but the whole reason I put the part about the dumb things she's done is also to show she is human. My story built her up to be so great but she does have her imperfections.

Today I came to a strange conclusion, actually it was last night but I didn't really figure out what it meant until today. I was working on a puzzle before school when it hit. me. Why have I been so upset for the past few months. I realized, I didn't want to ask Rebecca out in the first place because I knew things would be different. I final know now that she will never be with me like Tanya. We will probably never spend a night together. I also know that things can never be like they were before it all, I can never look at her the same as I did before because I realize how much I love her. I didn't before. So that's what's been bothering me. The fact that things will never be the way I want them and that things can't go back to the way they were. However I also found out during my thinking that the way the situation is now, although not as it was before, is still great. We still talk when we can. I still love her, she still likes me. It might not be what I originally wanted but it is still great. I may have set my goals too high this time, but I still got a great second place prize...

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